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AbsolutelyBreathless
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Name: CoverGirl <3
Gender: Female
Interests: God. Love. Life. Chicken. Languages. Theology. History. Religion. Culture. Friendship. Sisterhood. Books. Web Design. Lots of other random things.
Expertise: Being Me.
Occupation: Professional Bombshell.
Industry: International Advocacy.
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
8/2/2006
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| "Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account."
- Hebrews 4:13
What up though?
I know, it's a crazy saying. I have also been using the alternate saying "what up do". Now I definately can pass for someone who is in the 11th grade. That's saying a lot, considering I am 28 years old.
I have been in a youthful mode too! Wearing green cons and big hair with clips. Hanging out in the mall and driving around late. Random outbursts and a new found love for fast food, you would think I was turning 18 in two weeks and craving freedom. I thank God, thank God a whole lot that I am ten years behind. That I am ten years younger, rather than ten years older. That though I am maturing, I am not mature. As in aged, completed in my process, where as I would be put aside, rather than put to use.
However, lots have been going on the inside to remind me that I am 28! Like the chronic acid reflux that has been raging in my stomach and esophagus for the past hour. IT BURNS. And I have no health insurance. I have to rely on Jesus and the old prescription pills that I scavenge out of my medicine drawer.
It's the weight loss that's driving me crazy. I swear I am going to crap out the next 20 pound drop with no exercise at all.
I can't believe it. Last year around this time when I weighed in, it said 259 lbs. This year, when I stepped on the scale it said 225.48, basically 226 lbs.
I nearly fainted at the sight of the numbers above my toes. I told everyone about my rapid weight loss, plastering it on facebook and myspace and twitter. I was so hype. But it seems like that excitement gave my body the green light to do what it did when I was 23 years old.
When I was 23 years old, I was in this very predicament. I was budging or gaining on (no pun intended) 240 lbs. I was 230 something. I freaked out and went crazy. I went on this crash diet that would help you lose 10 - 20 lbs in one week. And how.
I dropped from 230 something down to around 217 lbs. I was excited, but I could not continue the diet because prolonged practice would cause damage to my digestive system. Which of course should have been the reason I didn't even do it, the first place.
Guess what happened? Like clockwork, pounds and pounds and pounds dropped off my body. I thought it was due to my diet change of no bread. But no, it was the tremendous burning of the stomach and the continuous emptying of my bowels, for two months that brought me from a size 18 to a size 12 in no time.
Here I am again. 5 years later, severely overweight. Can't fit any clothing. Crying to squeeze into a pair of mens sweat pants. Then guess what happens?
LD gets not one but TWO retail jobs during Christmas season. Then guess what happens? Weight loss, tons of weight loss. LD is checking the scale and its saying 230 something, when it used to say 250 something. LD's pants are getting kinda loose but not too loose. People notice her hiking up her pants every two minutes on the sales floor.
And then guess what happens. LD thinks since the holiday is over, she won't lose anymore weight. It was just a phase.
And then the visitors IBS (bowel emptying) and Acid Reflux (stomach burning), both diagnosed as chronic, return to party with LD. LD is miserable, all of the time. But the scale is relieved of much pressure under LD's feet. Now its in the 220's and by summer's end it will be in the 200's. I promise.
I told Brown last night over Subway's that I will probably crap out the next 20 pounds. Let me tell you, he was not happy to hear that. But I assure you I am well on my way. Jeans that I haven't worn for a year and a half are not only fitting me, but are too big for me! Falling down when I walk even with a belt on.
I am slowly inching over to the size 16's. I can fit the pants. A bunch of pants. However, not all the pants. I have quite a bit to go (20 lbs worth) before I could slide into a sixteen or *gasp* a size 14 pants comfortably. But for skirts, I am already there. My skirts that I bought from Old Navy just months ago are HUGE and dangling, I have to fold the waist over so it could fit.
I AM NOT COMPLAINING! Thank You Jesus, who is saving me from Obesity one way or another. However, I could use some other means. Craping out 10 and 20 lbs a time isn't the most comfortable.
So pray for me that while I am crapping out the excess fat that my organs and brain do not go out along with the rest of the waste.
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Please forgive the above satire, but every bit of it is true despite the immense sarcasm.
So everything is okay. I haven't been homeless or so sickly that I am unable to carry out daily functions, thank God.
Being jobless, has a new meaning to me. Every day is a new daily task. Yesterday's task was reading up on wedding brunches - everything from the menu, to the cost, to the time and location a brunch wedding reception should occur.
I like the idea of brunch weddings, especially the COST of a brunch wedding. Really, I would rather spend the money on a house. Seriously. I love y'all but I am not paying 20,000 or more for a wedding that I would not get half of a return on. Please.
I have been reading up on weddings, even though I am not engaged as of yet. People who know me, know that I am an obsessive planner. I need to know ALL the details YEARS in advance. The sooner the better, because I can be a bit of a control freak, and I want to make sure my event is perfect at all times.
Brown says I have wedding fever, and he wishes I would get it cured soon so I could focus on more important matters like getting a job to pay for the brunch wedding and a house to live in afterward.
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My most recent post talked about resolving issues with friends, or at least alluded to it. Or some sort of conflict.
Well alright, my post was vague as all get out. Either way, I resolved the tremendous issue that was described in my previous entry. Thank God, now I can sleep better. But as one lightens my burdens, another comes to weigh me down.
Race relations. Relations of race. Race the relations. Relate to race. Yeah color(s). I realize more and more, that my experiences with race and the relations are really unique. Having a relationship with my race(s) is a unique and interesting task, and even though I may have a particular relationship with my race(s), that doesn't mean that people around me have the same relationship. Which may lead to wrong race relations or relating wrongly to race. And this of course, is never good.
You all know, if you have been reading my blog for sometime, my struggle with identity. You can read about it here if you haven't as yet. And just when you think, or at least when I think I have learned to relate properly to race, situations arise and its all wrong again.
It makes me wonder will I ever get it right? Will I be able to relate to various peoples who are like me, but different? In a right way? Without being offensive? Without being misunderstood? As self hating? As Ethnically confused? As ethniocentric? The words that I use with one group, they do not work with another. The actions that I use with one group, never right for another.
This is the plight of the multiethnic person who wants so badly to connect with all of their ethnicities, so their people can view them as one of their own. I was once told that I was confused for "trying too hard". How could I try to hard to be East Indian, Black, or white, or Guyanese - when I already am that way? I can't try to be what I already am! Maybe my behavior is "too authentic", or just "too counterfeit".
I wonder, and then I worry. That even when I am comfortable, I am offending somebody. And when I think I am offensive, my peers are comfortable and at ease. I just do not know anymore.
What a live that I live! I walk on colorful eggshells. Slipping on colored egg yokes.
I digress.
I just want to move away sometimes. Bury myself in a hole. Why? Because I am not meeting anyone's expectations, and its just a mess trying to anymore.
Blessings,
©- LD | | |
| "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
- Jesus My Savior (John 8:32)
Being honest has its repercussions.
People twist the truth.
People do not acknowledge the truth.
People like about the truth.
People are angry and hateful about the truth.
But its the truth, and no matter what you do about it, its honest, its real, its truth, accept it or not, it will still be the truth.
The truth doesn't always feel right, the truth often hurts, the truth often severs relationships, and often breaks hearts. But it's the truth. Recognize it is there, it is real, it is fact. It's truth.
Because when you know the truth, it can set you free.
The truth often hurts first before it can free you, often like the key pressing into the shackles on your wrists and ankles. The pressure makes it hurt all the more, but if you allow it to unlock the shackles, you will be free.
Trust me, it knowing the truth often gets worse before it gets better. Before you can receive your freedom.
And freedom is what I want. If my freedom will cause discomfort to others, I am sorry for your discomfort, but I have to be free. I have to know the truth, and share the truth. I have to release it from beneath the piles of self righteousness and lies, and false endearment of others. Underneath the rubble, caged within lies to often "protect others" and to "save face", here, here...lies the truth, begging to be free, screaming and shaking, begging to be heard.
I have to let its voice be heard.
Hate me if you want to (I'd really rather not have you hate me), but if your hatred is a result of my freedom, the truth, then so let it be.
I am still free, hate me if you want.
I'd rather not be imprisoned by my self loathing and entrapped in the rage and fear of others opinions and thoughts for me to release the truth. The truth often divides and separates.
I had to divide and separate my own feelings within my heart to find the truth.
The truth is often not easy to hear, not easy to share, not easy to feel, not easy to know. It often shakes the very foundations of what we believe, feel, love, and know about people, things, places, ideas...
But the truth has often been stifled, silenced, covered, hidden, buried, trapped, dissolved in the good intentions of others. We can't know it because it angers us, it hurts us, it scares us, it breaks us, it can often destroy us, if we let it.
I can't hide behind perceptions of the truth also known as deceptions of the truth.
I have done what I have done as my final attempt to free me from such inner torment and torture.
I have finally released my burden, so I can sleep well at night.
But unfortunately there are repercussions for telling the truth, and I think...
I think...I have walked into a trap.
-©D
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| "Men denied they dated me and pretended they never liked me only to creep and rap and rattle the gates to my heart in the dark decrepit moments of my life. Hiding their true emotions because they are. ashamed. of. me.
The rush of painful memories that flooded my mental mangled me. Tears are streaming my face. My heart is broken and I am bleeding."
- March 2005
I am so glad my life is so much different now.
That's all.
-©LD | | |
| "It's more than a feeling,
More than a feeling,
When I hear that old song they used to play,
More than a feeling.
I begin dreaming,
More than a feeling...."
-Boston
"Where love fills where the nails were...."
- LD Original
First, let’s just get through the updates:
Wow. Lots happened since my last real post. I had a birthday. I am 28 years old. Yikes. That's scary. I really feel like my life has just begun, and that's simply because I haven't accomplished anything with any real significance as yet.
But I will. And how.
The actual birthday, it was fab. We (Joe and I) didn't get to go to the museum like I wanted to (we never get to fulfill our actual plans, more on this later). But I did get to eat the greatest Thai food with the greatest man ever, walk the Broadway Mall in Hicksville (first time in all my time here on the Island), and eat at Outback Steakhouse with my beau and family.
I don't remember what I got for my birthday. Oh gosh! Oh yes, I got money! And Vickie Secret stuff, and a FILA duffel that I have wanted since forever, and a cute shirt to match, and flowers from a great friend.
And dinner. Free dinner. Lots and lots of dinner. And free lunch. And free food. And lots of free. I was brave and wore a sweater dress despite all my lumps and rolls, and looked really good too! I didn't really have a party. I just told my friends who cared to just come chill with me, and we'll eat.
I went to: Lemon Leaf Grill. Applebee's. Chili's. Benihana's. PF Chang's. Outback Steakhouse. AND Grand Lux Cafe. I love my friends. They are so awesome to me!
Yes, I gained 5lbs back of what I lost out of the 25 I did lose this past December. I know it, I feel it. It's got to go again.
And the week before my birthday, I went to Alpha Nu Omega's National Sorority Retreat: Dove Spa (Spiritually Personified Anew, in ANQ, we love acronyms). During the retreat I actually learned so much, so much from God. Majorly, I have learned my fear of God, (as in scared of, not reverence of) is the root of the issues that I have, the things that cripple my spiritual walk, and what hinders me from allowing God to use me in a more direct way. This is something I never realized before, but I am willing to address.
I have to really do some personal Bible study on fear and faith and really strengthen my understanding and relationship with God.
And funny, the week after two things happened: Seasonal job decided they didn't want to keep me after all, and another company called me for an interview. Funny thing is, I didn't want the job I was being interviewed for. It was for an admissions representative position for a trade school, and that meant giving presentations, meeting numbers, listing to people's problems (REAL problems, because of the demographic I was to work with--READ case work) and, I had to dress up EVERY single day. I am far gone out of my glamor fashionsita days, and though I am warming back into being cute and glam again, I still hate getting dressed up. It's a laziness that I have developed when I was unemployed for 2 years and gained a ton of weight, and didn't fit anything. It's a nasty, lazy, habit and I have to really break out of it. I wear jeans and a tee-shirt everywhere, even to church. Especially to church. It's like "why Lord"? when I have to scrounge around my closet for dress clothes. I am so self conscious of what I have on, and I always feel it doesn't look right.
So, to the point, I didn't want it. I even prayed, I said "God, no thanks. Not for me." and then I prayed "God, You know what's best. If this job is for me give it to me, if not, I understand." You know, God is funny. I get a call three hours after the interview, and I was told the job was mine. I even was given a salary higher than any I have ever made in my life. I actually groaned, with my ungrateful self! I didn't want another high pressure sales job, but even with me begging God for some plain Jane desk job, He keeps pushing me into a pressured arena.
He was plain with me, and told me I needed this. I am going to be a lawyer, and I can't learn how to operate under massive pressure that I would be under at a firm, at a desk job. Understood quickly, because it was more pressure than the two Christmas seasonal jobs combined. It is still much more pressure, even after being here for some time. Trust me, I fell right in the middle of office politics, not of my own doing, and ended up standing up to some really high level brass! I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would have enough back bone to go against high level administration, administration that could fire me in a blink of an eye; but, praise God my tenacity prevailed with God's favor. Moreover, my bravery was greatly supported, which was another surprise!
The old me, used to get walked on so easily. I was so naive and unsure. God has definitely transformed me into a force to be reckoned with.
I really like the environment. Its high pressure, but I like my department and my direct supervisor. She's so awesome. I like the scheduling that I have; I like the compensation (yes!). I am thankful to be here and excited about my future accomplishments and achievements in this position, and the ways He is going to use me here.
I realize more and more each day, that I am here for a purpose, and it's bigger than I can ever imagine.
In other news, V-Day weekend was awesome. My Sorority had a V-Day event that raised money for Haiti. I finally went to the nail salon and got the pedicure that I needed, trust my feet were crying. Brown surprised me with some V-Day gifts and we went to a late lunch and then went a couple's game night with friends. The next day, Valentine's Day, we went to lunch and then church. After we came to the house and watched a movie. We (Joe and I) were supposed to cook, but guess who didn't let me know about all the V-Day plans. So cooking will be for another day. Good times!
Okay, I said all of that fluff to get to why I am even updating in the first place. And now, all of you that know me know I keep it real.
So here it goes: Why is it every time I pray, I get angry? It seems as if God keeps showing me the same thing over and over, and I never get further in my prayers. I found that I have been holding a grudge against two people in particular. And it’s for reasons that can't really be explained publicly. Now, this does not take away from them as people. They're good people. Saved people. But these "people" pissed me off--royally. I mean, I didn't really realize. But recently, every time I pray, I remember my anger toward them and then I remember all the anger, rage, and hatred I felt. And afterward, I am actualizing all of the feelings and emotions that I remembered.
Man. And this is not right. I prayed about this, and I wanted to confront them. Maybe this would solve my bouts of rage every time I went to God in prayer. But I realize, if I don't forgive my trespassers, I really can't be forgiven myself. I want to forgive them, and I have talked about this. I have talked about this to my closest, because they will understand the scenario at best. They all agree that if I share my feelings with the parties at hand at this time, I will simply relive my rage, and probably act it out. I have too much at stake for that to happen.
Forgiveness is actually a choice. It's not an occurrence that happens when angry feelings go away. If it was that simple, I don't think God would show me this unsettled offense. I want to choose to forgive them, and I thought I have the first ten times this was shown to me. I am not sure what to do, but I know I have to repent (turn away or completely disapprove of the way I am currently behaving) and make a choice to love despite how they treated me.
I am sure they are in La La Land, and do not realize or understand the magnitude of their actions, nor the impact on how I view them as Christians or as people in general.
But writing this helps me to understand that God is Good, Just, and Righteous. And for me to be more like Him, I have to let go of the mundane, the lazy, and the unclean.
I ask You God to really help me in this decision to forgive, and love my sisters (and brothers) the way you do. Please.
Now before I close finally, here are some great inspirational quotes:
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
- Thomas Edison
“I strongly believe that those of us who consider ourselves worshipers need to have a heart for social justice..."
- Israel Houghton
"You may not be a movie star you may not drive a big fast car, But I love you in every way I love you in every way...."
- Wayne Wonder
"If Jesus died and rose...why am I living like I'm dead?"
- Terrance Robinson
And with that, I bid you adieu.
Good Morning America, it's snowing again.
-©LD
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| "He has His hands stretched out and they're nail scarred,
Love fills the holes where the nails were,
He has His hands stretched out and they're nail scarred,
Love fills the holes where the nails were, with His hands scarred,
Why don't you put your hand inside His Hands,
Would you put your hand inside his hands,
Put your hand inside His hands,
Where Love fills, Where the nails were."
- L.O.S Original
I have news for you Jay-Z, Jesus can and will save....
This is one of the first songs I wrote....
-©D
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